The past couple of months have been a roller coaster ride. Several things had come tumbling down for me all at once - a nervous breakdown, the death of a very dear loved one, and now, testing positive for COVID-19.
How it has been
Day 1 was not by any means forgiving: I almost collapsed the moment I got out of bed, with fever, chills, severe dizziness and a flashing headache. The virus had caught me off guard and already begun wrecking my body. I remember feeling optimistic at first, that this was just exhaustion was taking a toll on me (for the previous week I had been working long hours) then slightly apprehensive as my brother tested positive the very next day.
I remember making a casual joke on testing positive right before taking my test. But then, two days later, I found myself going to bed with racing thoughts and mixed feelings - I had just received my results. That night was probably among the most anxious I've spent in my life.
The first few days were the rockiest – I could barely get on my feet, and often quivered with chills, and a hovering temperature. Then followed the back pain, loss of my appetite, anosmia, and Day 6 sealed it with a terrible case of tonsillitis, that brought about an aversion for food and beverage. I was constantly drenched in sweat and felt drained all day. As I inched to Day 8, my abnormally high pulse calmed down, but the splitting headache and fatigue was far from over. Luckily, I didn't have to suffer from cough for long; with frequent steam therapy, gargling and the right diet, my cough subsided considerably.
Although COVID-19 battered my body, the impact it had on my mental health proved harder to overcome. I was filled with despair as I spent days on my couch helplessly, despite having several deadlines to meet and plans I had. Being the workaholic I am, the boredom and helplessness quarantine brought about was unbearable.
Nights were especially hard to sail through. As I would switch off the lights, a profound sense of terror filled my heart, and the racing thoughts, palpitations, cold sweats that followed worsened my insomnia. Watching television became my go-to when I wanted to numb the mental agony, but it only stirred up my anxiety further. I am not new to isolation, but quarantine hit me in a way I had not foreseen.
I had never felt more alone in my life.
On the bright side...
Prior to quarantine, I often lamented on how little time I get to tend to my little pockets of joy, like reading a good book, listening to music, enjoying the evening breeze with my favourite podcast, etc. Quarantine definitely gave me the chance to finally do these things. Until last week, it had been a long time since I had the luxury to enjoy a soft, silent sunset, and to recollect forgotten pieces of myself while enjoying To Kill A Mockingbird in the evening breeze. It was the best time I'd had in a while, and I truly want to pamper myself more often with many more evenings like that.
I learnt a lot about myself. Quarantine gave me just the break I needed to muse on the happenings of my life, and helped me process them. I began living life as it was, and took one day at a time. Not surprisingly, clearing the clutter helped me recognize my thinking patterns, and truly understand why I thought the way I did, in a way that my chaotic schedule never could. All the idle time I had encouraged me to dig deeper and understand where my complexes stemmed and begin healing. Penning gratitude notes in my journal has never been more helpful than at a time like this. I learnt to let go and not be too hard on myself, and most importantly respect my body's needs. It gave me the time to grieve and move on, and process the feelings I felt. More than anything, I learnt to count my blessings and appreciate what I had.
On humanity and tough times
A lot of people told me how neighbours often turned hostile, having to deal with estranging looks and slammed doors. Luckily, I was blessed with a loving community that genuinely cared for me and my family. I felt blessed to receive love and prayers from many that I didn't know.
I felt so lucky every time the doorbell rang, only to find neatly packed home cooked food with a sweet get-well-soon note. To everyone who helped, cooked and prayed for me and my family, a sincere thank you and virtual hugs. You insisted on standing by us despite not knowing me or my family. I feel so inspired by your empathy and kindness, and it makes me want to pay it forward one day to bring a smile and comfort those fighting this battle with me. It reminded me, maybe humanity isn't as scarce as I thought it was.
On loved ones
This was a time I felt very alone, but also one when I received so much love and care. Of the four of us, only my dad and my sister had tested negative. My father rose to the occasion and took complete responsibility. Appa, I am ever grateful for all the care and concern you had for both of us. You did everything that was necessary for our recovery, and still went the extra mile with the fruits, supplements, kasayam (herbal brew) several times a day and kept filling the hot water flask every few hours to make sure we don't go thirsty at night. I know how taxing it was for you to handle this situation singlehandedly, but I don't know anyone who could have done this better than you. This was the longest time I had gone without hugging you and Amma, and the loneliness hit deep. Everytime I showed up late at night, teary from anxiety, you always had comforting words for me, despite how tired you were. Thank you so much for everything that you did for me and Amma.
Sometimes during lonely days, the surprise calls and messages I would receive from family and friends brightened up the mood and made my day in ways I never thought it could.
Lessons for life
There have been days I couldn't crawl out of bed; I didn't see the point. I felt like a failure, anxiety wrecked my mental state and sent me reeling. I remember how COVID made a person like me feel like this was a never-ending tunnel of despair and filled me with hopelessness, but if there's one thing I'd want to tell someone fighting this virus, that would be - there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Listen to your body and its needs – this is another realisation that occured to me during my experience. No work is worth ploughing at if it hurts your body and health at a time when it needs you the most.
Like how lucky people's stories have happy endings, I have been recovering well over the last one week. Of course, my body hasn't seen the last of it yet; I still get tired and breathless when I walk for a while or lift weights. Nights are especially worrying when I go short of breath, but I feel lucky to have not ended up in the hospital and to have been given the less rough path. The storm is slowly passing; and we shall wait for it. This has been an experience of a lifetime.
This virus is ravaging us and our loved ones. People like me, the youth, the future of the country, will be bearing the greatest blow, and I can only imagine the burden on the economy and healthcare system decades later, with us constantly limited by our weak physical health and unable to tap our full potential.
We aren't taking this seriously enough. It's because we only know of those who were lucky enough to stick with home quarantine, but not those who struggled on ventilators.
Please wear your masks; it is ridiculous that even a year later, there are people who think this virus is a 'coax'. It isn’t, and I can vouch for it. COVID-19 is very real, with truly shattering effects; my family and I stand as an example. This battle is far from over.
The storm is slowly passing; and we shall fight with sincerity and wait with patience. Let peace prevail.
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